Six Things I Do Not Understand About Americans

I am finally moved into my new house in Indiana now and should be getting my classroom ready for school starting next week, blah, blah, blah; but I am blogging instead about something completely unrelated to that.  In short, the time has come to discuss the things I will never understand about Americans (speaking generally here).

1.  The need to be #1 at EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD!!!!!!  No, seriously, go pick up any magazine or newspaper, and sooner or later, you'll find something claiming that because America isn't #1 at something, we are failing ourselves and all future generations.  Really, so no other country is ever allowed to have a shining moment?  America must be the leader in education, GDP, conservation, science, safety, industry, etc.?  And the worst part is that despite all these articles, we never seem to start doing whatever the #1 country is doing to make it work.

2.  They have every resource in the world to learn about everything but don't.  Seriously, you don't know where Iraq is on a map?  America has been fighting Iraq for, like, over ten years, right?  You have Google, portal to the entire Internet.  What is your excuse?  I don't blame you for not knowing where specific towns within the country are, but with all your resources, can't you just, maybe...look at a map?  Learning something won't kill you.  The primary reason America isn't #1 at everything isn't the government's fault.  It's the average American's for refusing to learn anything beyond what the Kardashians are doing next.

 

3.  The dichotomy of "You don't know that?" vs. "But you're a missionary kid!"  This one is very MK specific.  If I don't know some aspect of pop culture, I'm criticized for being ignorant.  If I do know some aspect of pop culture, I'm greeted by the shock and horror of, "But you're a missionary kid!"  I've gotten, "You don't know that?" over The Matrix trilogy, yet "But you're a missionary kid!" over Madagascar.  Please, people, some consistency would be very nice. 

Apparently, a true missionary kid would not know the words to, "I like to move it, move it!"

 

4.  Slaughtering pronunciations of borrowed foreign words.  Now, as a kid, you learn to read and you pronounce words wrong, but get corrected by an adult who informs you "It is pronounce e-GREE-jous," and you learn to pronounce it correctly because that's the right thing to do.  But Uncle Sam forbid that we learn to pronounce karate, futon, or kamikaze properly.  Nope, sorry, someone important slaughtered the word, and we just claim we have Americanized the word and plunge on, refusing to fix it when someone who actually speaks the language corrects us.  (Reassurance:  No one complained when I stopped pronouncing emu e-moo and started saying e-myoo.).  Are there multiple pronunciations to some words?  Yes; toe-may-toe vs. toe-mah-toe, zee-bra vs. zeh-bra.  But when you start borrowing the word, could you at least send over businessmen who actually bother trying to pronounce words properly? 

This emu is shocked at American pronunciation.

5.  The English system (pounds, inches, etc.) and soccer.  Just switch, please.  Okay, I know there's the matter of American football (Three days until the Packer preseason game!), so I guess I'll allow soccer to slide.  But, really, while the rest of the world uses grams and meters, why are you still literally stuck in the Dark Ages using measurements based upon the distance between the king's nose and wrist?

6.  Why, when traveling internationally, you apparently believe speaking louder and slower helps.  If the person doesn't speak English, no matter how loudly or slowly you say, "I.  WANT.  TO.  CHANGE.  MY.  FLIGHT," they still won't understand you.  Imagine if a Chinese person started speaking to you, and no matter how many times you said, "I don't speak Chinese," they kept repeating themselves louder and slower.  Would you understand them any better?  You would not.  Although a lot of people do understand English, when you find one who doesn't, maybe try someone else if at all possible.

Another hint:  Next time, try pointing at the items you want if you can.  It helps a lot.

So, there is my little rant of the day before I spend the rest of my evening "watching" Fantasia while cutting out letters for my bulletin board on Early American Explorers.  Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not upset about being American or living in America.  Y'all are just a bunch of weirdos sometimes.  I could also come up with more, but I won't because I'll probably offend you, and then I'll get sued.

'MERICA!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Avengers-MKs Analogy

Do you really want to know what it's like for MKs when we haven't been in the States for a long time and then come back?

It's like, okay, we feel like we haven't changed, and we get off that plane, and--BOOM!--America hits us faster than Buster hitting the pavement as Adam and Jamie once again to prove to us that you can't believe everything you were told as a kid.

Mythbusters:  Making science cool via gigantic explosions since 2003

I mean, yeah, there's the initial fact that America has just gotten stranger over the last few years or so.  I mean, could they get any stranger than they were last time?

Then comes the first day you have to interact with other Americans.  Yes!  People who speak English!  Except for the fact that everything they talk about means absolutely nothing to you.  Michael Buble?  The Walking Dead?  Twilight?  And everyone's like, "Have you been living under a rock?"

And you're like, "No.  So...how about the nuclear crisis in North Korea?"  And everyone's like, "Who cares?"  And all you can think is how nuclear missiles in North Korea are a dozen times more important than the latest thing that came out of Jennifer Lawrence's mouth (Although, honestly, of all the things I've seen about celebrities on the Internet, that woman is the one who probably acts the most like me.)

Ah, the "I'm a five-year-old adult moment."  Classic.

Anyway, after a few months of furlough though, you begin to catch on to this whole America thing.  Maybe you still haven't seen a single episode of Grey's Anatomy, but you know when people are talking about it.  You can't participate, but at least you're not completely lost.

Then comes the day when you finally feel like you've completely got all of America figured out!  This, my friends, is where the Avengers analogy comes in.  Anyone who's seen the movie remember this scene?

Okay, so imagine it's a missions conference.  Your parents have released you to go sit at the teen table away from all the old people and pastors who love to flock to missionaries.  You're greatly relieved.  Or, you know, maybe you're at college for the first time.  There's a few other missionary kids there, and you're mostly talking with them because, let's face it, Americans are just so weird.  However, eventually, an American engages you in conversation.  You start to chat, and all of a sudden, they make a pop culture reference.
The MK you were talking with goes, "Huh?"
And you proclaim, "I got it!  I knew what they were talking about!"
And every American in hearing distance looks at you again with that, "Yes...everyone understood that reference" look.  And you are the one who gets to explain to the other MK exactly what the person fully meant when he said, "Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya.  Prepare to die!"  Because your moment of triumph only made you look like a dork.

And then, inevitably, three days later, you once again find yourself completely lost in a conversation because you have seriously never, ever, ever watched Indiana Jones before.

And all the Americans are looking at you like:

Which, I hadn't, until I was a freshman in college