Six Things I Do Not Understand About Americans

I am finally moved into my new house in Indiana now and should be getting my classroom ready for school starting next week, blah, blah, blah; but I am blogging instead about something completely unrelated to that.  In short, the time has come to discuss the things I will never understand about Americans (speaking generally here).

1.  The need to be #1 at EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD!!!!!!  No, seriously, go pick up any magazine or newspaper, and sooner or later, you'll find something claiming that because America isn't #1 at something, we are failing ourselves and all future generations.  Really, so no other country is ever allowed to have a shining moment?  America must be the leader in education, GDP, conservation, science, safety, industry, etc.?  And the worst part is that despite all these articles, we never seem to start doing whatever the #1 country is doing to make it work.

2.  They have every resource in the world to learn about everything but don't.  Seriously, you don't know where Iraq is on a map?  America has been fighting Iraq for, like, over ten years, right?  You have Google, portal to the entire Internet.  What is your excuse?  I don't blame you for not knowing where specific towns within the country are, but with all your resources, can't you just, maybe...look at a map?  Learning something won't kill you.  The primary reason America isn't #1 at everything isn't the government's fault.  It's the average American's for refusing to learn anything beyond what the Kardashians are doing next.

 

3.  The dichotomy of "You don't know that?" vs. "But you're a missionary kid!"  This one is very MK specific.  If I don't know some aspect of pop culture, I'm criticized for being ignorant.  If I do know some aspect of pop culture, I'm greeted by the shock and horror of, "But you're a missionary kid!"  I've gotten, "You don't know that?" over The Matrix trilogy, yet "But you're a missionary kid!" over Madagascar.  Please, people, some consistency would be very nice. 

Apparently, a true missionary kid would not know the words to, "I like to move it, move it!"

 

4.  Slaughtering pronunciations of borrowed foreign words.  Now, as a kid, you learn to read and you pronounce words wrong, but get corrected by an adult who informs you "It is pronounce e-GREE-jous," and you learn to pronounce it correctly because that's the right thing to do.  But Uncle Sam forbid that we learn to pronounce karate, futon, or kamikaze properly.  Nope, sorry, someone important slaughtered the word, and we just claim we have Americanized the word and plunge on, refusing to fix it when someone who actually speaks the language corrects us.  (Reassurance:  No one complained when I stopped pronouncing emu e-moo and started saying e-myoo.).  Are there multiple pronunciations to some words?  Yes; toe-may-toe vs. toe-mah-toe, zee-bra vs. zeh-bra.  But when you start borrowing the word, could you at least send over businessmen who actually bother trying to pronounce words properly? 

This emu is shocked at American pronunciation.

5.  The English system (pounds, inches, etc.) and soccer.  Just switch, please.  Okay, I know there's the matter of American football (Three days until the Packer preseason game!), so I guess I'll allow soccer to slide.  But, really, while the rest of the world uses grams and meters, why are you still literally stuck in the Dark Ages using measurements based upon the distance between the king's nose and wrist?

6.  Why, when traveling internationally, you apparently believe speaking louder and slower helps.  If the person doesn't speak English, no matter how loudly or slowly you say, "I.  WANT.  TO.  CHANGE.  MY.  FLIGHT," they still won't understand you.  Imagine if a Chinese person started speaking to you, and no matter how many times you said, "I don't speak Chinese," they kept repeating themselves louder and slower.  Would you understand them any better?  You would not.  Although a lot of people do understand English, when you find one who doesn't, maybe try someone else if at all possible.

Another hint:  Next time, try pointing at the items you want if you can.  It helps a lot.

So, there is my little rant of the day before I spend the rest of my evening "watching" Fantasia while cutting out letters for my bulletin board on Early American Explorers.  Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not upset about being American or living in America.  Y'all are just a bunch of weirdos sometimes.  I could also come up with more, but I won't because I'll probably offend you, and then I'll get sued.

'MERICA!!!!!!!!!!!!

MK Lexicon

Oh, look, I'm back to the subject of Japan.  Well, kind of sort of.  I mean, this blog is called "Ramblings of an MK," so I figure I should ramble on a bit about MKs for a while, specifically, the language we speak.

"Don't you speak a bunch of different languages?"

Yes, but at the core, we have these special keywords that draw up mutual understanding that outsiders do not immediately understand.  Here is my guide to such phrases, from the perspective of an American MK.  I can't promise it's complete, but at least it's a start:

Airport--a magical place full of stressful situations that will eventually get you where you need to go

Airport Security--people who believe a seventeen-year-old girl's gel pen collection is the latest threat to travel safety; they generally have no sense of humor

Border Crossing--more people with no sense of humor

America--a mystical land far away where apparently everything "good" on earth comes from and generally doesn't live up to expectations

Americans--an annoying group of people who feel they rule the world; that English should be spoken everywhere; and when English isn't understood, feel the appropriate response is to speak louder and slower; people who cause us to want to disown our home country; NEVER EVER be an "American"

Candy Bar--an American invention so amazing, it is treated like gold until the moment it's all consumed; everyone who can eat chocolate has a favorite, and that is usually the one they will request if given a chance

Choosing a candy bar is a very serious decision

Consulate--people who get your passport renewed

Craving--In America, we crave foreign food.  On the field, we crave American food.  Yet we always try to remain content.

Culottes--in the words of an MK guy from my mission board, "a skirt for each leg"; the worst fashion statement Cultural Fundamentalism developed; hopefully eventually going out of style

Culture Shock--the sudden realization that you're not in America anymore; sometimes there's a honeymoon period, sometimes there isn't

"Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore."  "No joke, Dorothy!"

Deputation--all the driving around, visiting churches our families do do before going to the field

Embassy--another important place filled with important people

Field--the place the missionary family serves in

Furlough--all the driving around, visiting churches missionaries do for several weeks to a year at a time while taking a "break" from ministering

Home--(1) the land our parents are from; (2) the land we serve in; (3) the house we reside in; (4) wherever we happen to be staying for the night

Home Church--the church you theoretically attend most of the time when you're in America/the church that sends you out

Home Country--the land our parents are from

Hoard vs. Gorge--the decision an MK on what to do with his Christmas candy--should you make it last until Easter or eat it all now because you've been craving it so badly?  (If you choose to gorge, you will regret it when your sibling has a Milky Way in three months and you don't.)

Immigration--a long line you stand in to get into a country; yet another group of people who apparently have no sense of humor

Immigration Office--an important place with important people doing important stuff that they believe is very important for you to do stay in the country--as long as they're allowed to do it as slowly as they want to

Instant Connection--the feeling you get when you meet another missionary kid who's been through similar stuff as you

International Date Line--an evil little line that I still don't understand further than it causes me to lose and gain days

"It might not be here next time!"--the best way to justify buying all the Teddy Grahams the grocery store has on the shelf

Yes, sir, I'm 100% certain we want 20 bags of Teddy Grahams.

Jet Lag--the grogginess you get for a few days to a couple weeks after sending your body on the other side of the world

Ladies Missionary Fellowships--ladies who get together and sign birthday cards and also pray for the missionaries

Missionary Cupboards--a closet full of stuff for the missionaries to take and use; some smart churches also have a great stash of gift cards, which is way better than yet another set of towels, because we can spend them on what we actually need, especially with the limited space we have


Missionary Pen Pal--a kid who needs some questions answered for a church/school project; technically, a "pen pal" should write back and forth, but typically all they want is the one letter to complete the project and they're done

Mission Board--the important people who do important stuff in the States for the missionaries--honestly, I don't really remember what they do, but it seems like it has a lot to do with money and...field stuff; it also kind of defines who you are as a missionary when you say what board you're from (honestly, though, about half my MK friends aren't even from my parents' board)

Missions Songs--"Send the Light," "Jesus Saves," "Rescue the Perishing," etc.; by week eight of furlough, every missionary is about ready to scream as they hear these songs for the eighth week in a row

MK--abbreviation for missionary kid

Moochionary--portmanteau of "mooch" and "missionary"; a missionary who thinks it's okay to just mooch off the kindness of others and expect everything to be given to them (We're not all this way!  Sorry if you had one stay at your house!)

On Base--foreign military base; center of all foreign things related to the country it belongs to; American ones are full of American products; if you have someone to let you on, your mom stocks up on all those American things you wouldn't have otherwise; typically also fill the surrounding area with American-ness

Package--wonderful magical goodness of America all contained within cardboard

Passport--a magical little book that allows you into a bunch of countries

Permanent Residency--magical paperwork that apparently makes you have to do less other magical paperwork

Prayer Cards--the pictures of missionary families that MKs hate seeing around and want replaced as soon as possible after each visit because they look so young and dorky by the time each furlough rolls around

Prayer Letter--the letters the parents send out telling all the stuff they actually want to tell about the field

Re-entry Permit--a magical piece of paperwork that lets you into the short line at immigration when you go back to the field

Reverse Culture Shock--forgetting how strange a place America is; usually hits within minutes of getting off the plane; with America...there is no honeymoon period

Let's face it; as soon as we get off the plane, every American is as about weird to an MK as Lady Gaga is to every American--if only we knew who Lady Gaga was, but we don't because we haven't been around and stereotypically have no understanding of pop culture

Stateside--what an MK is when he's in America


Suitcase--You don't think I can fit fifty pounds of clothing, books, and gifts in this?  Watch me!  I wish I could still get seventy-five pounds in this!

Suitcase of Stuff for Other People--everyone's got a wish list of things for the missionary going on furlough to bring back, containing items from hair dryers to deodorant to Lego; in our family, at least, all this was set in the suitcase we'd used to bring gifts back to the close friends and relatives in the States

Supporting Churches--churches that send missionaries money so you can live in a foreign country


Time Difference--the reason missionaries have gotten calls at 3 in the morning is not always because something important has happened; it's sometimes because Grandma forgot how to properly calculate the time difference (But my Grandma is awesome and doesn't do that stuff)

Third Culture Kids--children who have spent most of their formative years in a culture different from the ones their parents grew up in while usually being expected to maintain some level of connection to the parent's culture

Visa--important paperwork to let you stay in the country for a long period of time, not a credit card

"Where are you from?"--the world's most annoying question because one does not simply answer it in a few words; it usually takes about a paragraph for us to feel we've adequately answered it

That's right, Boromir meme

"You Know You're An MK When..."--MK brand humor that unites all of us; I will have to post some someday; Andy and Deborah Kerr published a book on it

So...that's all I can think of for now.  If you're an MK, Military Brat, or other Third Culture Kid, suggest some more and I'll make a Part 2!

ETA:  My mom corrected my consulate definition; in my defense, we usually visit the immigration office and the consulate at the same time, so that's why I got them confused.  I've added "immigration office" separately, and redefined consulate.  Either way, it's a bunch of bureaucrats who I wish would just learn the meaning of haste.