Dining Etiquette: The MK Edition

As soon as an MK disembarks the plane back "home" in America (or gets out of the car in the case of the Mexican and Canadian breeds), he is expected to start behaving American again, despite whatever he has experienced in the last however many years.  Before you get embarrassed about what they just did, you have to think of the challenges they have to overcome:  getting over jet lag (unless they just arrived from, like, South America), relearning how to Ameri-properly greet people (no kissing, no bowing, etc.), making sure their parents drive on the right side of the road (in some cases), and remastering Ameri-proper table manners.  Today, in light of the upcoming Thanksgiving weekend, we will examine the last item on the list.  I have made some generalizations here, but, in my experience, there are four types of MKs at dinnertime.

#1:  The Fork and Knife Aficionado
No, seriously.  Is that fried chicken?  Cut it up with a fork and knife!  Is that pizza?  Use a fork and knife!  Bacon?  FORK AND KNIFE!  Meanwhile, the Americans are over at their spots barbarically getting their fingers dirty.  Yuck.  Who can stand for such behavior?  Well, actually, let me tell you:  after some exposure to this fork and knife culture, I did discover that eating chicken with a fork and knife did actually save me some finger licking.  However, this phase got completely destroyed by college, and I'm sure some Australian might read this someday and silently weep that I got corrupted all over again.

Seriously, though.  Have you eaten at this place?  Ain't nobody got time to use a fork and knife!

#2:  The Chopstick Guru
You gazed at this MK in wonder at the Chinese restaurant as they gracefully handled every noodle and rice dish proficiently with chopsticks.  "You must teach me," you said.  However, one day, you show up at their house, and there they are, sitting at the table, eating mashed potatoes with chopsticks.  You immediately curl up in the fetal position muttering, "It's not possible!  It's not possible!" while they offer you some mashed potatoes and begin to dig around for a spoon.  I mean, you asked about soup, and they explained how they fish out the big bits with their chopsticks and then proceed to drink the broth, but mashed potatoes?  As you spend more time with them, you realize it only gets worse as they then proceed to eat pudding and Jello with chopsticks.  They claim they can eat faster with chopsticks than you can with a fork and knife and then go on and prove their point.  You believed those two bamboo sticks were ridiculous, but now you have a feeling the Asians might be on to something.

Hello, my precious real ramen!

#3:  The Etiquette Barbarian
This is actually a very broad category.  Maybe this person believes it is okay to burp loudly.  Or reach across the table rather than asking for something.  Or to put their elbows on the table.  Or slurp their soup/noodles.  Or pick up their bowl/eat with their head about two inches from the dish.  They licked their plate.  Or, worst of all, wants to eat everything with their *gasp* FINGERS!  Oh the terrible, germ-sharing habit this poor MK has inherited.  Sure, the others are behaving rudely, but this...this person is acting like he's some sort of barbarian from a third world country!  Third-world country, probable.  Barbarian, no.  In fact, if you must know "barbarian" means "non-city dweller," and he actually came from the capital city, so...  Okay, I know what you mean, but, basically, what you should know is that if you eat pizza out of the same box as everyone else at a party, you are practicing the exact same table manners this person does.  And there are still etiquette rules that govern every single "breach of etiquette" mentioned in this paragraph.  In fact, to not do these would be a breach of etiquette in this MK's culture.  So, please, approach this MK with an open mind...or gently and patiently try to train them in the American way.  (However, it took me four years of college to learn to eat soup Ameri-properly, so if you're going to train, please be very patient!)

Evidence that there are rules on how to eat rice with fingers

#4:  The Guy Who Actual Does It All Properly
I imagine this MK is very rare indeed, but it's the one whose country actually follows all of the American rules.  I don't know where it springs from, but I'm guessing the average one who actually manages to remain Ameri-proper all the time either a) is home missions, b) was extremely well-trained in American manners by their parents, or c) has never really been exposed to much of their "other" culture.  Seriously, I don't know how they do it.

This MK will never be given a judging look by Americans.  Lucky guy.

In conclusion, I would like to point out that MKs can be a mix of the above.  I'm definitely a mix of "Chopstick Guru" and "Etiquette Barbarian."  Whatever MK you end up eating a meal with though, respect their table manners and just remember that your table manners are as weird to them as theirs are to you.

(And, one final note:  this Thanksgiving, try eating the rinds of your squash.  That stuff is delicious.)