A Post About Singleness (And Not the Normal Type)

Maybe this is a completely ridiculous post to follow the last one, but it's what's on my mind.

So often, we see posts pinned over our Pinterest and shared on our Facebook about the glories and wonders of being single and how worth it is to wait for the right guy.

But, the thing is, that some of us, we honestly really struggle with singleness in the way that we can't write those encouraging posts.  In fact, I've come to dislike seeing them because it's a reminder of what I've never had.

I know we're supposed to be all "whatsoever state I am in, wherewith to be content" all the stinking time.  We're not supposed to struggle with this because as soon as we admit we are, we're reminded that God either has a plan for us to be single forever or that he's saving us for that perfect man.

But I'm here to tell you, girls, that this is hard.  I turn twenty-three on Sunday, and I have never, ever dated.  I don't even know if a guy has ever liked me as more than a friend.  Don't get me wrong, my guy friends are awesome, and most of the guys I've liked have been the situation where it's better off I never dated them.  But, really, I try to make this a laughing matter ("Thirteen straight Artist Series and no man-date, not even as friends!  Is that a record?"), but I laugh because I'm trying to not make myself cry.

Oh, if you're one of my guy friends, and you've been brave enough to click and read this post, don't think you've done something terrible.  You guys have been wonderful friends who have given me more laughs and life lessons than I ever expected to get out of a guy friend.

But, really, at the end of the day, sometimes I just wish I had a boyfriend.  And I'm sick of hearing all of it:
"You're still so young!"
"God's got the perfect guy for you somewhere!"
"God has a perfect plan!"
"Find the way God can use you as a single woman!"
"Stop worrying about guys and go hang out with some good girl friends."
"Once you content yourself with singleness, then the right guy will come along."

Those are the words used to comfort and advise me so often, but they don't seem to help.  Really, all I want sometimes is a pile of Dove chocolates, a butter rum cafe au lait, and someone to listen as I cry without offering any of the advice listed above.

No, that's the minimum I want.  What I really want is a boyfriend.  I want to do the goo-goo eyes thing I make fun of all the couples for doing.  I want to have that one or two or ten goofy thing(s) we do as a couple.

But most of all, I want the Boaz to my Ruth (without the whole first husband dying thing; I can skip that part just fine).  I want that guy who loves me and wants to take care of me.

But, no, when I say I want that hole in my life filled, I've so often had it shot down by friends who tell me that I just need to wait.

I KNOW I NEED TO WAIT!  And, honestly, I'm tired of waiting.  I'm just so, so tired of it.  To have gone twenty-three years and never known if a guy has ever looked your way and thought of you as nothing more than a good friend is painful.  You begin to wonder if you shouldn't have been yourself so much, if any guy could really love that dorky girl who trips over perfectly flat rugs, who knows more random trivia than a person should know, and who can't sing on key but still loves to sing anyway.

Really, who could love a girl as annoying as me?  For crying out loud, I'm still trying to figure out how Americans work.  Why do we have patriotic church services while seemingly condemning the very government that allows us our religious freedom?  Are we really surprise unsaved rulers aren't acting like Christians?

AARGH!  There I go actually outright saying what I believe again and not caring what others think because I know what I believe.  That's probably turned a few guys off.

I see it posted around Pinterest and Facebook (summarizing here), "The common factor in all your failed relationships is you."  Is this supposed to be an encouragement? a challenge to change? a way of telling me that I stink at life?

Listen, I know I stink at life.  Everyone does.  But how am I supposed to change?  What element of Katrina is supposed to change in order to make people like me more?  If you even dare to answer that question, I'm not going to like your answer.
Do you want me to be quieter?
Do I laugh too much or too obnoxiously?
Do I act too childish?
Am I too smart?

I'm sure every girl who's been single for any length of time has asked herself these same questions.  And there's not really any answer to them.  I'm so worried that if I try to change one thing about myself (except for the part where I focus more on God), that I'll change something that just ends up making me a terrible, miserable person.  I am who I am, and there's certain things about me I don't want to change.  I mean, yes, I'm always growing and changing every day, but it seems like when people say you need to change something they mean to change it now, today, and try not to mess up on the thing you changed.

Oh, girls of this world who read my blog, I know this hasn't been a very normal singleness post, but sometimes I think we read too much of the "Waiting For My Prince Charming" posts.  Someone out there has perpetuated the idea that we need to use their formula to make us content with our singleness until he comes.  I'm here to tell you that I am a blogger who has not found a formula that works for her.  In other words, this blog post does not exist in any way, shape, or form to tell you to go out there and live happily with your singleness like everything is fine.

Is it really so wrong to long in tears for that special someone?  Girls, God did not create man (or woman) to be alone in this world, and although singleness may befall some of us for our whole lives, we are crying tears for something that is genuinely perfect to long for.  Some of us will take longer than others to find our knight in shining armor.  And what I'm saying is that if while you're waiting, you need to shed a few tears, go and do it.  Every desire you feel for wanting a guy is perfectly normal.

I'd also like you to know that I went through a six-month period of my life where I really was perfectly happy being single.  And then I started liking a guy, and for a bit over three years now, I've rarely had a day where I was like, "You know, I just LOVE being single!  I think I'll just delete my Pinterest board and pretend wedding dresses and engagement rings don't exist."  Sometimes I wish I could somehow turn off my desire for this guy and go back to being happily single, but God doesn't seem to grant me that request.  For three years, I have prayed that God would make me stop liking this guy, and it has not stopped.

And so that is why I cry.  Because I find myself liking a guy who might never like me back, even though he knows I exist on this planet (Every guy I've ever liked has known about my existence due to the fact I fall for personality over looks, and, trust me, some of you girls who think that having this problem would be wonderful--it is a world of its own problems.).  A guy that I wish so badly would just pull up my Chat on Facebook one day and say, "Hey, how's it going?"

"Is this the same girl who says friendzone isn't terrible?"
Oh, yes, it is me.  Because some guys are absolutely wonderful to be in the friendzone with.  But sometimes you just wish that one guy would decide to take it a step beyond the friendzone.

So, I know this post was probably an utterly stupid one to make, and part of me is going to be second guessing myself for ever posting it, convincing myself that one blog post about how it feels for girls to be single will forever ruin my changes of marriage, but it's got to be said:
My name is Katrina, and I wish so badly that my single days would be over.