Confessions of a Former Judsonite

So, basically, here's how it used to go:  You show up on Northland campus as a freshman, and next thing you know, you're learning about these things called societies, and how every non-married student needs to join one.  So, you peruse the list and talk with your roommates, and here was your rundown:
Carey/Carmichael--almost all jocks
Brainerd/Slessor--tough initiations
Spurgeon--the preacher boys and not-actually-preacher girls
Judson--the hicks
Dreisbach--don't really do anything
Champlin--also really don't do anything

And, of course, naturally, every single member of every society wants you to join their society...except for Dreisbach and Champlin, almost all of whom were in their societies due to being last in line.  They were kind of like the Aquaman and Hawkeye societies of Northland.  The ones where you think there might be a purpose here somewhere, but you can't see entirely what it is, so you just kind of go through life accepting their existence because getting rid of them would just make life seem incomplete.

So, anyway, I basically threw Dreisbach and Champlin out the window and narrowed my societies down to Judson and Carmichael:  the hicks or the jock girls.

I only made it to one society rush activity, and it was the Judson one.  I worked during the Carmichael one.  So, my entire experience of being rushed by a society involved running around campus on a scavenger hunt, getting soaked because it was pouring rain.

List of ways to make Katrina miserable #13:  Go out in the rain.

 I HATE GOING OUT IN THE RAIN!  And, oddly enough, I had the best time of my life doing this, and I was promised a future of something about bonfires and camouflage and guys playing Bloodball if I joined.

I was kind of trying to eat my cold ice cream and cookie sandwich after being out in the cold rain, so I didn't retain much.

So then came society rush chapel, and I politely sat through all the candle singing/canoe falling and skits and videos until finally came the Judson one.

The girl officers came out and said, "Hey, we're the Judson girl officers, and we hope you join Judson" and left the stage.

In that moment, I sold my soul to Carmichael.

Then some guys appeared on stage pretending to be vending machines or something like that.  I was too busy laughing to remember.

Then suddenly, a guy crashed through the ceiling, grabbed the donuts, and I died laughing.

Suddenly, I couldn't wait to be directed to the table.  My choice was made.  As soon as they gave us freshmen the "go" I was out of my bleacher, shoving my way to the front of the crowd.  I had to do it.

I had to get my name on that paper.  Something about the promises of duct tape and donuts lured me to have my name be written down on that sheet of paper.

I, the girl who had never shot a gun in her life, who could barely climb a tree without a lot of help, joined Judson.

This:  absolutely out of the question for Katrina.  An oddly enough, Judson could probably have talked me into it.

That first night, I began to question what I was doing here.  I mean, I got through the Keys Partner thing just fine (I was one of those people who ended up with great Keys Partners.)  But then came the "stand on a table and initiate yourself by telling a random fact" part.  Favorite guns?  Four wheeling?  What was this strange language?  I mean, I knew this was the hick society, but...why are the girls doing this to?  Um...I don't have a single strong hick characteristic about me.  Okay, I watch The Red Green Show.  Oh, good, we finally connect on something.

Ooh, bonfire.  This is nice.  Hotdogs and marshmallows and donuts.  I could get used to this.

Foot washing chapel?  What in the world...

BEST CHAPEL EVER!

Soon, it began to absorb me.  Okay, I'll come to the skeet shoot.  Uh...which gauge should I use?  Why do I have to use the bigger number?  So that's what happens when you don't hold it tight in your shoulder...  Okay, not doing that again.

Uh...awesome...a mud pit.  I hate getting messy.  Why am I cheering for this?

Wait, what do you mean because I'm a girl, I'm not allowed to catch the greased pig?  I should SO be allowed to do this too. I AM A JUDSON GIRL!

No, I have absolutely no dancing skills at all.

Of course I'll line dance to introduce the society.

Wait, who banned the line dancing?  That was so much fun.  Now I'm just going to have to stand up there and clap while the guys play some bluegrass song I've never heard of.

I LOVE MY SOCIETY!

"Girls can play Bloodball, as long as they are off campus."

Best sport in the history of ever.  Well, aside from the sprained necks, broken collarbones, and sundry other maladies it's caused.

Hey, let's borrow the Hoffman brothers' truck to go pick up condiments for the flag football tailgate party.

Yeah, and by the way, there's not as much food as there used to be because we had to pay eighty dollars for that broken ceiling tile.

DONUTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hm...this Judson thing is quite fun.  Nominate me for vice president.

Or activities' director.  That works too.  And no one else is running?  Perfect.

This will be the best year of society ever!

Thanks to you guys, I got a knife.  I love my knife (which is currently misplaced, which saddens me greatly).

More skeet shooting!!!!

"Do you realize how talented Judson actually is?  I mean, virtually every musical instrument out there can be played by someone in our society.  Plus, look, like almost the entire cast of this play is Judson."

Let's make gigantic Valentine's Day cards for the guy officers.  I'm sure they'll love this.

Wait...they're getting rid of society?  But WHY?  I love my society.

I cried for two days after that announcement.  Society had basically become my life, and I hated to see it go.  Judson had turned a girl who knew next to nothing about life out of the city into someone that actually enjoyed shooting guns and listening to bluegrass and roasting donuts over the fire.

And I therefore now find myself in some odd place of being able to say that in college I was considered both nerd and hick.  Talk about a weird place to be.  Every three weeks, you find yourself screaming and doing hick things and then going to lunch and discussing computers and the problems with plays.

But I guess that just made me a well rounded college student instead of just sitting over at some jock table discussing basketball all day.  Or something like that.

The Long and Illustrious History of Donuts!

HAPPY NATIONAL DONUT DAY!

Yes, my dear readers, in the long annals of days centered around random objects, today--the first Friday of June--is the one which we use to honor the King of All Pastries, Lord of the Deserts, Emperor of Breakfast, and Supreme Ruler of All Snack Foods--the donut!

No food substance has probably had as great an influence upon the history of mankind as the donut.  Because of its illustrious history, many questions have risen:  "Why is there a hole in the middle?"  "How do they get the cream inside the donut?"  "Is it spelled doughnut or donut?"  Fortunately, as both a History Minor and Former Activities Director for Judson Society The Society for the Preservation and Promotion of Donuts, I can answer all the above questions.  So, strap in and get ready as we take a trip through time, exploring the full history of this delicacy.

Sorry, it had to be done.

Sumerian chariot

To trace back the history of the donut thoroughly, we must also examine the history of the bagel, as these two originated from the same treat.  Recent archaeological excavations have proven the fact that this original pastry came as a result of the development of the wheel approximately four thousand years ago.  The ancient Sumerians were so overjoyed to learn that they could now hitch their donkeys and camels and horses up to a cart and haul their items around rather than carrying it on their backs, that they declared a national day of feasting.  Archaeologists suggest that this event fell slightly before the summer solstice and was originally observed on the sixth day of the week, which is the reason why millenia later Congress declared Donut Day to fall on the first Friday of June every year.  To celebrate the wheel, Sumerian bakers formed dough into the shape of wheels, and sold them to the rich who could afford it.  This treat was normally eaten plain, although it could be flavored with honey or various dried berries and fruit.  The poor, unlearned in the art of "wheel bread" making, desired to copy this trend among the rich and famous.  However, rather than shaping the dough into a wheel, they would cook the bread before punching a hole in it after the process was over.  The remains of the center were then fed to swine, dogs, and other unclean creatures.

The Colosseum

Through the conquests of the Babylonians and Persians, the recipes for wheel bread began to spread throughout Europe and Asia.  However, the trend largely died off in Asia because rice proved too difficult to mold into the proper shape.  In Europe, however, the trend managed to catch on.  In fact, some historians believe that the Latin panem et circum does not indeed mean that the Roman government held the masses attention by giving them bread and circuses.  Rather, this slogan refers to "bread in the shape of a circle."  This treat was distributed during Colosseum events as it was much easier to hold and munch on while watching the gladiators rather than attempting to wolf down an entire loaf.  A recently discovered document penned by Plutarch indicates that during one particular event, the Emperor had to remind the people to remove the wheel bread from their thumbs before indicating whether the victorious gladiator should slay his defeated foe as he could not see whether the thumbs were up or down.

However, with the Fall of Rome, the recipes for wheel bread were lost, and a sad time of history began known as the Dark Ages began.  People tried to reinvent the recipe, but to no avail.  Still the bakers persevered, knowing that somehow, the knowledge must return.

Kringle

The Danish were the first to make some headway in the matter, but their "kringle," although properly filled with all varieties of nuts and fruits, proved to be shaped more like an oval and less like a circle (hence the reason for the name "kringle," which kind of looks like the word for "circle," but not really).  Nonetheless, they were proud of accomplishing something before anyone else.  Sadly, by this time, the Normans had managed to take England back from the Danes, or else it is quite possible that the English would have taken this particular pastry with them when they settled the New World.  As it was, the kringle didn't arrive in America until the nineteenth century, and even then, has since remained nearly confined to only a few communities, the leader of which is Racine, Wisconsin.

Plain bagel

Despite Denmark's satisfaction with creating something somewhat circle shaped, the rest of Europe remained unsatisfied and continued toiling to reinvent the wheel bread.  A major breakthrough in Poland resulted in the wheel bread finally being reborn.  No one is entirely sure what "bagel" means in Polish, but most linguists are fairly certain that everyone mispronounces is spectacularly due to the fact the average person doesn't take time to actually bother with Polish pronunciation, which isn't as scary as you think once you get past all the random consonants being smooshed together and the letters that don't sound like they do in English.  Some say it means, "We finally reinvented something and can go down in history as significant!"  However, immediately after declaring this, they were overrun by an invading army...again.  Because the Europeans for many years were seriously obsessed with invading Poland.  This time, the invasion was to steal the recipe of the bagel so every country could make their own bagels.  However, even after obtaining the recipe, the conquering armies decided to stick around and rule for a while because, hey, who doesn't like ruling another country?

With the recipe of the bagel spreading throughout Europe, new fruits were added, and some people even began to discover the tasty benefits of spreading other items, such as cream cheese and salmon, on top of this treat.  Of course, with this information proliferating throughout Europe, eventually, the treat made its way to the American colonies.  It first arrived in New York City, where bagels became the latest fashionable food, and have remained so since.

Pioneers

However, the bagel was about to take on a new form.  After the American Revolution, as part of developing their own culture, Americans had a tendency to desire everything sweeter, everything more fried in grease, everything made unhealthier it had ever been, and the same fate was about to happen to the bagel.  And in one little Dutch kitchen in the early 19th century, a woman did just that to keep her husband happy and so "deep fried bagels" were born and soon became a staple at county fairs throughout the growing new country.  The original spelling of this treat was "doughnut" because the Europeans thought the Americans must be "nuts" to make such a thing out of "dough."  Americans embraced the term and soon began advertising their pastry as such.  The term "donut" either developed as the pioneers moved west where spelling was not taught until schools were set up or because pioneer wives frequently had to remind their children, "Do not [which sounded like 'donut' to young ears] touch the hot grease."

Adoniram and Ann Judson

Donuts became a favorite of many famous American people.  Abraham Lincoln liked to eat a donut as he strolled to the War Department to read the latest telegrams.  Pony Express riders liked donuts because they could eat them while they rode at breakneck pace across the prairie delivering the mail.  Christian historians even seem to find evidence that Adoniram and Ann Judson made donuts for when the Burmese natives visited their house.  Wherever they went, Americans brought the recipe of the donuts with them, espousing the convenience and deliciousness of the treat.

Japanese 5 yen coin.

After World War II, servicemen returning from the Pacific brought back with them coins from the countries they had visited.  Since many of them had been to countries influenced by Japan, they picked up a lot of Japanese yen coins.  Back at this time, donuts cost only a nickel, and once serviceman who had a habit of carrying his Japanese coins around with him, would on occasion accidentally offer his local donut store a Japanese five yen coin, which has a hole in the middle.  Usually, upon realizing his mistake, he would return the coin to his pocket, and hand the shopkeeper an American nickel.  However, one day, he had no other coins on him, so he just offered up the excuse that donuts have holes in them too, and left the store quickly.  This particular event inspired "The Donut Song," which has many variations, one of which is transcribed here:
Oh, I walked around the corner, and I walked around the block,
And I walked right into a donut shop.
Well, I picked up a donut, and I liked off the grease,
And I handed the lady a five cent piece.
Well, she looked at the nickel, and she looked at me,
And she said, "This nickel is no good to me.
There's a hole in the middle, and it goes right through."
I said, "There's a hole in your donut too!
Thanks for the donut!"
"You bet!"

As stated above, for centuries, mankind had for centuries been discarding the middle of the donut to swine and dogs and other poor creatures of the earth.  However, one enterprising young businessman decided he could make a profit by selling these donut holes to people.  Despite some initial hesitation on the part of the consumers, the trend eventually caught on, and soon donut holes were just as popular as the donuts they came from.

So, next time you sit down for a donut (which, by the way, are free at Dunkin Donuts today with the purchase of any drink and probably completely free at some other establishments), remember all that the donut has gone through in its development and history, and know you are not just eating a pastry.  You are partaking of a long and illustrious tradition of culinary work, which men struggled for centuries to reinvent and to present to you.  It's more than a snack.  It's a legend!

Editor's Note:  Katrina has a tendency to occasionally completely make up things when she has no idea what she's talking about.  Please do not actually trust her on most of what she says in this article.  The only thing you can be certain of is that there are indeed free and cheap donuts floating around America today, so now would be a good time to go and buy one.  Or, you know, sometime today.  Seriously, go and eat a donut.  That's what today is for!