Holes and Fires

I actually own the movie book cover.

I don't think most of my friends from college know why it's such a big deal that Holes is one of my favorite movies.  I mean, it's a funny movie, lots of people like it.  It completely makes sense someone my age would like it.  I read the book when my best friend sent it to me for my birthday or Christmas or something, and then my family bought the movie.

And I fell in the movie just as much, despite the changes that were made.  I was nearly fourteen when I watched it, and from the first viewing, I was convinced it was one of the best movies ever.

But there was a several month period when I couldn't bring myself to watch it.  I can't believe it's been seven years since that time period.  I mean, sometimes I forget that time happened.

When I was a junior in high school, I woke up one morning to find out someone had set my school on fire.  I mean, it wasn't really my school because I was being homeschooled in Japan six thousand miles away.  But it was the school where my friends went, where some of the best memories of my life were.  I had most recently attended it the school year before--my sophomore year.  That was a fun year.  Anyway, the good news--if there was any--was that the school didn't burn all the way thanks to the flame retardant carpet.  "Only" two rooms were burnt.

As the full story began to transpire, I don't think I can say I was surprised to find out who set the fire.  The hardest part for me was that one of the guys involved--the guy who actually set the fire--was the younger brother of a guy who I had a crush on.

I remember kneeling next to the heater a lot for most of that day, blinking back tears.  No words could express how I felt that day.  Everything just felt wrong.  I woke up three or four times during the night, unable to sleep for more than a couple hours.

And then, a week and four days later, I wrote the poem:

Nothing is right anymore.

Things shall never be the same.

And old era is gone.  A new is begun.

Much is the same, but some has changed.

Some is the same, but much has changed.

It all depends on who you are,

And how much you know.

I wish life could be good again

That I knew smiles would last.

But every day my mind reminds me

That things have changed forevermore.

But someday things may be right again

Although the scars remain.

Such hope can still last in this world

Although everything seems wrong.

True enough all things have changed,

And they shall never be the same,

But in eternity this just might be

A small trial preparing me.

Who knows what the larger trial shall be.

Only God can see that near or far.

But looking back I then shall see

That through it all, God was preparing me.

Yeah, not my best poetry looking back on it, but it expressed exactly how I felt that day.

Was it a few weeks or a couple months that passed?  I can't remember.  Anyway, of course, a couple of the guys got put in jail or something, including the younger brother of the guy I liked.  I don't remember a ton anymore.  I think I tried to forget at times.  It's still hard for me to talk about.

Well, one day, my other best friend came over to visit, and she wanted to watch Holes because she knew how much I loved it.  I eagerly put it in into my bedroom DVD player that night, excited to share one of my fictional worlds with someone else.  But then, part way through a movie about boys at a prison camp, I couldn't take it anymore.  I went downstairs to my mom in tears, triggered by watching one of the scenes where the guys were shoving each other around.  I got worried something like that would happen to the guy I knew.  Mom prayed with me,and we turned the movie off.

And it stayed off.  For months.  I would look at its case and wish I could watch it again.  I wanted that to happen.  I wanted to move on.  I wanted everything to be normal again, where I could watch Holes and just enjoy it for the movie it is.

And so, a few weeks after this guy was released, we watched Holes.  Before this happened, I read all the way through the book for the eighth time or so, and I made it just fine.  And that day, as we watched Holes, although it wasn't easy still, I made it--no tears.

Every single time I watch it, it gets easier.  After graduating college, I found the movie in the five dollar bin at Walmart and eagerly scooped it up, ecstatic to be able to pick up such a great movie for so cheap.

So where am I at compared to seven years ago?  Sometimes, I can make it through Holes just fine--not even thinking about the experience I went through.  Other times, like today, I go back.  But no more tears, no more fear.  Holes once again is one of my favorite films.  I can quote it with you like crazy and laugh or be emotionally touched by the story of Miss Katherine and Sam:

"Once upon a time, there was a magical place that never rained.  The End."

"But if you forget to come back for Madame Zeroni, your family will be cursed for always and eternity."

"If only if only the woodpecker sighs, the bark on the trees was as soft as the skies..."

"I don't smell anything!"

"I can fix that."

But sometimes, I'll still pull back a bit--there's certain parts that can be especially difficult still--but that's okay.  I'm okay.  I can't let something that didn't even directly involve me hold me down forever and keep me from enjoying what I love.  I'm going to keep moving forward, and although I will probably never forget how I felt during that time, I can't let it define me forever.