Mixed-Up Fantasy
World
Gandalf knew something was wrong in the fantasy world.
Vampires and werewolves used to be terrifying. Now, even the Disney Princesses
were lining up to scream girlishly whenever the Cullens and Blacks were around.
Foolish things. But he figured there was not much he could do about it.
Besides, no one was complaining.
Then, one day, Shrek burst into the room.
“Gandalf, you have to do something!” he said.
“About what?” Gandalf asked.
“The vampires! And the werewolves while you’re at it.”
“Right now?” Gandalf asked. “I was about to go play Quidditch with Oz.”
“Yes, now!” Shrek said. “My daughter just discovered the books about them, and now she spends all day waiting for a vampire to bite her. Do you know what happens when a vampire bites an ogre?”
“Yes,” Gandalf said, urgently. He hated seeing all the slug skins that covered the ground when an ogre vampire came through his backyard.
“Well, can’t you do something?” Shrek asked.
Gandalf really wanted to help this ogre, but he would hate to miss another Quidditch date with Ozzy. Last time that happened, Oz had sicced the apple tree Ents on Gandalf. But, Shrek could in one move, extract Gandalf’s spleen and eat it with the jelly from Gandalf’s eyes. So, he decided he would do what Shrek requested. After all, ogres and orcs were far too closely related to risk angering them. He was glad Shrek was at least a good ogre. Or else, Gandalf’s spleen would already be gone for how long he was taking to answer Shrek.
“I shall help you!” Gandalf finally declared.
“Thank you!” Shrek said. “So are you going to wave the stick thingy and eradicate them?”
“Who do I look like? Merlin? No, I need to send someone on a quest.”
“Well, don’t look at me, wizard. I’m still trying to lose the donkey from the first quest.”
“No, not you! First of all, the Cullens would hear Donkey coming a mile away. Alice wouldn’t even need to see the future. Secondly, you are from the fantasy world, and the vampires and werewolves are from the other world.”
“Well, then, who’s going on this quest?” Shrek asked.
“A long time ago, right around the time Saruman when to space to work for the Siths, he knew a certain pirate from the real world named Jack Sparrow. Horrid dental habits, but he knew a lot about chocolate. Wait, never mind, that was someone else that Saruman knew quite well when he was pretending to be a dentist. Anyway, their personalities were so alike, I always mix them up.”
“So, what are we doing with him if Saruman knows him?” Shrek asked.
“Well, Captain Jack Sparrow never actually knew him. I was confused. Anyway, there is one man who has access between two worlds. He’s a space pirate named Han Solo. In the other world, though, he’s an explorer who keeps finding all this random stuff that’s apparently important to the people there.”
“How’d he get access between both worlds?”
“He wanted to find something in the real world, so we let him there. He goes by Indiana Jones over there.”
“This is so confusing. Where do we find this Indiana Solo guy?”
“Indiana Jones/Han Solo,” Gandalf corrected Shrek.
“Whatever.”
“Well, first you must talk to Donkey because we need a dragon.”
“Dragon stays home with the kids, though,” Shrek protested. He was actually very glad he had managed to have Donkey restrained by the Hobbits as he entered Gandalf’s house.
“No, no, not Dragon!” insisted Gandalf. “I’m thinking about her mother.”
“Are you serious?” asked Donkey, popping up just then.
Then, one day, Shrek burst into the room.
“Gandalf, you have to do something!” he said.
“About what?” Gandalf asked.
“The vampires! And the werewolves while you’re at it.”
“Right now?” Gandalf asked. “I was about to go play Quidditch with Oz.”
“Yes, now!” Shrek said. “My daughter just discovered the books about them, and now she spends all day waiting for a vampire to bite her. Do you know what happens when a vampire bites an ogre?”
“Yes,” Gandalf said, urgently. He hated seeing all the slug skins that covered the ground when an ogre vampire came through his backyard.
“Well, can’t you do something?” Shrek asked.
Gandalf really wanted to help this ogre, but he would hate to miss another Quidditch date with Ozzy. Last time that happened, Oz had sicced the apple tree Ents on Gandalf. But, Shrek could in one move, extract Gandalf’s spleen and eat it with the jelly from Gandalf’s eyes. So, he decided he would do what Shrek requested. After all, ogres and orcs were far too closely related to risk angering them. He was glad Shrek was at least a good ogre. Or else, Gandalf’s spleen would already be gone for how long he was taking to answer Shrek.
“I shall help you!” Gandalf finally declared.
“Thank you!” Shrek said. “So are you going to wave the stick thingy and eradicate them?”
“Who do I look like? Merlin? No, I need to send someone on a quest.”
“Well, don’t look at me, wizard. I’m still trying to lose the donkey from the first quest.”
“No, not you! First of all, the Cullens would hear Donkey coming a mile away. Alice wouldn’t even need to see the future. Secondly, you are from the fantasy world, and the vampires and werewolves are from the other world.”
“Well, then, who’s going on this quest?” Shrek asked.
“A long time ago, right around the time Saruman when to space to work for the Siths, he knew a certain pirate from the real world named Jack Sparrow. Horrid dental habits, but he knew a lot about chocolate. Wait, never mind, that was someone else that Saruman knew quite well when he was pretending to be a dentist. Anyway, their personalities were so alike, I always mix them up.”
“So, what are we doing with him if Saruman knows him?” Shrek asked.
“Well, Captain Jack Sparrow never actually knew him. I was confused. Anyway, there is one man who has access between two worlds. He’s a space pirate named Han Solo. In the other world, though, he’s an explorer who keeps finding all this random stuff that’s apparently important to the people there.”
“How’d he get access between both worlds?”
“He wanted to find something in the real world, so we let him there. He goes by Indiana Jones over there.”
“This is so confusing. Where do we find this Indiana Solo guy?”
“Indiana Jones/Han Solo,” Gandalf corrected Shrek.
“Whatever.”
“Well, first you must talk to Donkey because we need a dragon.”
“Dragon stays home with the kids, though,” Shrek protested. He was actually very glad he had managed to have Donkey restrained by the Hobbits as he entered Gandalf’s house.
“No, no, not Dragon!” insisted Gandalf. “I’m thinking about her mother.”
“Are you serious?” asked Donkey, popping up just then.
“ARRGH! Donkey, where did you come from?” Shrek asked.
“Man, those Hobbits. They were trying to name me Bob or something, and then something about a pony named Bill. I had to get away from those guys, Shrek! And there is no way Mama Saphira is ever going to talk with Dragon. In her mind, Dragon is an abomination to the dragon world for marrying a talking donkey. I guess only elves and humans are supposed to ride dragons. Besides, Alagaёsia’s half a world away. Ain’t no way I’m going nowhere near there.”
“Yes, you will!” said Gandalf, glad to have a spot to interrupt Donkey’s speech. He also made a mental note that next time he ran into Aslan, he would ask him why he had ever decided to make donkeys talk. In Gandalf’s opinion, talking donkeys were going to be the ruin of someplace someday. And talking orangutans too.
“Listen, Mr. Wizard Man, I’ve traveled through scorching deserts, had to put up with ogre hunting cats, and hang out with Merlin. I ain’t scared of you!”
“Does no one get that Merlin’s gone incompetent since he left England?” Gandalf asked.
“No, not quite,” said Puss in Boots, showing up just then.
“Where’d he come from?” Gandalf asked.
“I am a cat who belonged to Inigo Montoya in his childhood. It’s a very little known fact.”
“Hey, Puss!” said Donkey. “Would you please go ask Dragon’s mom something for us?”
“Why would you want me to ask something of your mother-in-law? Last time we did that, we were called stick-wielding-furballs and long-eared-talking-short-legs.”
“I know, I know, but we’ve got to do something about the vampires and the werewolves. Besides, you have all the Spanish charm and stuff. Without me around, she’ll be perfectly fine!”
So, it was decided that Puss in Boots would go off alone in search of Saphira so they could find Indiana Jones/Han Solo so he could travel to the other world and fetch Jack Sparrow. Meanwhile, Gandalf was able to show up for his Quidditch game with Oz only fifteen minutes late.
After a long journey, Puss finally reached Alagaёsia. And, fortunately, and somehow far too conveniently, the first creatures he ran into were Saphira and Eragon.
“Excuse me, Mr. Dragon Rider, but I have important news from Gandalf that we must borrow Saphira for an important journey with Indiana Jones/Han Solo into the other world.”
Why does the little stick-wielding-furball want me? Saphira asked
I don’t know, but if Gandalf said to, we should do it. After all, he is on very good terms with the Elves, and I wouldn’t want to upset Arya for not listening to someone the Elves get along with.
“Excuse me for interrupting your in-the-head conversation, but I really must move quickly.”
Why should I go with you? Saphira asked, projecting her thoughts into Puss’s head. Your little claws will dig right into me, and I don’t like that one bit.
“Women,” Puss muttered to Eragon.
“Tell me about it,” Eragon said.
“Would you please tell the beautiful dragon that I promise to keep my claws in her head, and that I promise that Donkey will not be coming on this quest. I am alone.”
“Man, those Hobbits. They were trying to name me Bob or something, and then something about a pony named Bill. I had to get away from those guys, Shrek! And there is no way Mama Saphira is ever going to talk with Dragon. In her mind, Dragon is an abomination to the dragon world for marrying a talking donkey. I guess only elves and humans are supposed to ride dragons. Besides, Alagaёsia’s half a world away. Ain’t no way I’m going nowhere near there.”
“Yes, you will!” said Gandalf, glad to have a spot to interrupt Donkey’s speech. He also made a mental note that next time he ran into Aslan, he would ask him why he had ever decided to make donkeys talk. In Gandalf’s opinion, talking donkeys were going to be the ruin of someplace someday. And talking orangutans too.
“Listen, Mr. Wizard Man, I’ve traveled through scorching deserts, had to put up with ogre hunting cats, and hang out with Merlin. I ain’t scared of you!”
“Does no one get that Merlin’s gone incompetent since he left England?” Gandalf asked.
“No, not quite,” said Puss in Boots, showing up just then.
“Where’d he come from?” Gandalf asked.
“I am a cat who belonged to Inigo Montoya in his childhood. It’s a very little known fact.”
“Hey, Puss!” said Donkey. “Would you please go ask Dragon’s mom something for us?”
“Why would you want me to ask something of your mother-in-law? Last time we did that, we were called stick-wielding-furballs and long-eared-talking-short-legs.”
“I know, I know, but we’ve got to do something about the vampires and the werewolves. Besides, you have all the Spanish charm and stuff. Without me around, she’ll be perfectly fine!”
So, it was decided that Puss in Boots would go off alone in search of Saphira so they could find Indiana Jones/Han Solo so he could travel to the other world and fetch Jack Sparrow. Meanwhile, Gandalf was able to show up for his Quidditch game with Oz only fifteen minutes late.
After a long journey, Puss finally reached Alagaёsia. And, fortunately, and somehow far too conveniently, the first creatures he ran into were Saphira and Eragon.
“Excuse me, Mr. Dragon Rider, but I have important news from Gandalf that we must borrow Saphira for an important journey with Indiana Jones/Han Solo into the other world.”
Why does the little stick-wielding-furball want me? Saphira asked
I don’t know, but if Gandalf said to, we should do it. After all, he is on very good terms with the Elves, and I wouldn’t want to upset Arya for not listening to someone the Elves get along with.
“Excuse me for interrupting your in-the-head conversation, but I really must move quickly.”
Why should I go with you? Saphira asked, projecting her thoughts into Puss’s head. Your little claws will dig right into me, and I don’t like that one bit.
“Women,” Puss muttered to Eragon.
“Tell me about it,” Eragon said.
“Would you please tell the beautiful dragon that I promise to keep my claws in her head, and that I promise that Donkey will not be coming on this quest. I am alone.”
All right, very well, I’ll come, said Saphira. But I
won’t like it one bit.
So, Eragon temporarily leased Saphira to Puss for one week only, which didn’t give Puss much time, but what else could he do? Saphira was refusing to be lent out at all.
So, Saphira and Puss quickly took off and flew as high as possible until they met up with the Millennium Falcon. Puss quickly climbed onto the Falcon, leaving Saphira out in the freezing space air. (For those wondering how she could breathe, in the fantasy world, there is air in space, which is why you can hear lasers blasting.)
“Excuse me, Mr. Space Pirate and big hairy monkey thing, but I need help in taking a dragon to the other world to find a certain pirate named Captain Jack Sparrow in order to get rid of the werewolves and vampires.”
“Thank you!” said Han. “I’ve been waiting for a chance to go over there. Last time I was there, I had to try to prove that aliens existed. Chewy, take care of the ship for awhile. I’ve got to go become Indiana Jones.” You seen, Han Solo was his normal name, but Indiana Jones was his superhero name. He got the idea back when Krypton blew up, and Superman ended up on earth. The thing was, Superman actually had powers, and Han didn’t. But he had a nice fedora and a really cool whip, so that was kind of close.
Soon, Han, now Indiana Jones, was ready to go to the other world to find Jack Sparrow.
“Ooh, I really like the outfit,” Puss said. “But my hat’s cooler. Anyway, we have to go. The dragon’s waiting outside.”
Han and Puss boarded Saphira and took off, leaving the Millennium Falcon safely in the hands of Chewy, who was told to fly to Tatooine where they would meet up later.
“So, how do we get to this other world?” Puss asked.
“Well, we just kind of follow the trail of stuff the Enterprise left behind in its adventures. It all leads back to earth,” Indiana said.
So, they followed the trail of the Enterprise’s adventures backwards until they saw what looked like a suitable place to land.
“Home!” Puss declared as soon as they landed, for they had indeed landed in Florin, where Inigo Montoya now resided.
“Great. I was hoping that we’d land closer to the Caribbean. Now it’ll take forever to find Jack Sparrow.”
“Not necessarily,” said Puss. “You never know where he may be.”
They wandered around Florin for a little while until they ran into Inigo Montoya and Fezzik.
“Puss, I am so glad to see you again!” said Inigo. “Why don’t you stay with me for awhile! We’ve been having some strange moments since this new person joined the Brute Squad.
“Who is this new person?” Puss asked, curling up in Inigo’s arms.
“He’s a pirate named Jack Sparrow, and he’s drunker on rum than Inigo when I found him when we were rescuing Buttercup,” said Fezzik.
“It’s Captain Jack Sparrow,” Jack interrupted, showing up just then. “And the rum is gone. Why is the rum gone?”
Inigo tried to look innocent, but it wasn’t working.
“Hey, Jack,” said Indiana. “Gandalf needs you.”
“No,” said Jack. “I’m not going back to that other world, mate. Last time I was there, there were a million others of me, and it was very weird…even for me. Besides, Inigo here was very glad to turn the title Dread Pirate Roberts over to me, even though I didn’t quite like the sound of that as much as the Immortal Captain Jack Sparrow, so I gave it over to Will and Elizabeth’s son.”
“You gave the title of Dread Pirate Roberts to a ten-year-old?” Indiana asked.
“Listen, mate, I’m off in search of the place where Davy Jones cut his heart out. I mean, what are the chances that under normal circumstances, a guy could just cut out his heart and it still go thump-thump? There’s got to be some place that specializes in such a thing.”
So, Eragon temporarily leased Saphira to Puss for one week only, which didn’t give Puss much time, but what else could he do? Saphira was refusing to be lent out at all.
So, Saphira and Puss quickly took off and flew as high as possible until they met up with the Millennium Falcon. Puss quickly climbed onto the Falcon, leaving Saphira out in the freezing space air. (For those wondering how she could breathe, in the fantasy world, there is air in space, which is why you can hear lasers blasting.)
“Excuse me, Mr. Space Pirate and big hairy monkey thing, but I need help in taking a dragon to the other world to find a certain pirate named Captain Jack Sparrow in order to get rid of the werewolves and vampires.”
“Thank you!” said Han. “I’ve been waiting for a chance to go over there. Last time I was there, I had to try to prove that aliens existed. Chewy, take care of the ship for awhile. I’ve got to go become Indiana Jones.” You seen, Han Solo was his normal name, but Indiana Jones was his superhero name. He got the idea back when Krypton blew up, and Superman ended up on earth. The thing was, Superman actually had powers, and Han didn’t. But he had a nice fedora and a really cool whip, so that was kind of close.
Soon, Han, now Indiana Jones, was ready to go to the other world to find Jack Sparrow.
“Ooh, I really like the outfit,” Puss said. “But my hat’s cooler. Anyway, we have to go. The dragon’s waiting outside.”
Han and Puss boarded Saphira and took off, leaving the Millennium Falcon safely in the hands of Chewy, who was told to fly to Tatooine where they would meet up later.
“So, how do we get to this other world?” Puss asked.
“Well, we just kind of follow the trail of stuff the Enterprise left behind in its adventures. It all leads back to earth,” Indiana said.
So, they followed the trail of the Enterprise’s adventures backwards until they saw what looked like a suitable place to land.
“Home!” Puss declared as soon as they landed, for they had indeed landed in Florin, where Inigo Montoya now resided.
“Great. I was hoping that we’d land closer to the Caribbean. Now it’ll take forever to find Jack Sparrow.”
“Not necessarily,” said Puss. “You never know where he may be.”
They wandered around Florin for a little while until they ran into Inigo Montoya and Fezzik.
“Puss, I am so glad to see you again!” said Inigo. “Why don’t you stay with me for awhile! We’ve been having some strange moments since this new person joined the Brute Squad.
“Who is this new person?” Puss asked, curling up in Inigo’s arms.
“He’s a pirate named Jack Sparrow, and he’s drunker on rum than Inigo when I found him when we were rescuing Buttercup,” said Fezzik.
“It’s Captain Jack Sparrow,” Jack interrupted, showing up just then. “And the rum is gone. Why is the rum gone?”
Inigo tried to look innocent, but it wasn’t working.
“Hey, Jack,” said Indiana. “Gandalf needs you.”
“No,” said Jack. “I’m not going back to that other world, mate. Last time I was there, there were a million others of me, and it was very weird…even for me. Besides, Inigo here was very glad to turn the title Dread Pirate Roberts over to me, even though I didn’t quite like the sound of that as much as the Immortal Captain Jack Sparrow, so I gave it over to Will and Elizabeth’s son.”
“You gave the title of Dread Pirate Roberts to a ten-year-old?” Indiana asked.
“Listen, mate, I’m off in search of the place where Davy Jones cut his heart out. I mean, what are the chances that under normal circumstances, a guy could just cut out his heart and it still go thump-thump? There’s got to be some place that specializes in such a thing.”
“I can help you, Jack. And all you have to do in return is
come with me to speak with Gandalf and do what he wants you to do,” Indiana
said. “But I have six days until I have to return the dragon, so we can’t take
the Black Pearl.
“If the Pearl doesn’t come, then you’re not allowed to use that flying saucer-light speed-Millennium Falcon spaceship thing, mate.”
“Okay, fine, I promise travel by dragon only.”
“Excellent,” Jack said. “By the way, nice hat. Not as flashy as Will’s or the talking cat’s, but still cool.”
So, Jack and Indiana climbed on Saphira (who was complaining about how awkward they were, not that anyone heard her at all) and flew off to India. Puss elected to stay behind because Inigo was falling behind on sword practicing.
“Here it is,” Indiana said. “The Temple of Doom. The only place on this planet where you can cut out your heart and still be living. Then, normally you’re sacrificed. No idea how Jones avoided that.”
“We water pirates are an interesting lot,” Jack said. “Especially ones like Jonesie who have giant pet kraken beasties and are in love with Greek goddesses.”
The Temple of Doom was completely abandoned nowadays, all except for a wardrobe. The wardrobe had been left there a few years ago by a young woman named Susan who had traveled here with her husband and had wanted to get rid of it. This had seemed like a good spot.
“Excellent,” Jack said. “Wardrobes are the perfect place for traveling to other portals.”
“How do you know this stuff?” Indiana asked.
“I don’t know. I just seem to. Savvy?”
So, Jack opened up the doors, and he, Indiana, and Saphira walked through. Jack wasn’t quite sure how the physics worked of getting a gigantic dragon through a wardrobe, but he tended to try not to bother himself with stuff like that after all the odd stuff he’d been through.
Jack was right (although the wardrobe was horribly smashed to pieces and the doors were broken off), and they were able to walk through the wardrobe straight into Narnia.
“Well, that’s no help!” protested Indiana, who was quickly switching to his Han Solo clothes and hiding the whip. It was a rather clumsy thing compared to a blaster, but for some reason, people in the other world were more scared of blasters than whips.
“Never say nothing’s no help, mate, because sometimes things that are of no help are indeed of great help, and things that seem to be of great help are indeed no help. So indeed, this something that seems to be nothing…in terms of help, may turn out to indeed be, great help. Savvy?”
“No.”
“Good. Now, climb on the dragon, and we’ll fly off to find Gandalf. Middle Earth’s just on the other side of Telmar, after all.”
What Jack forgot to think about was that first they had to get through Mordor, then Gondor, then Rohan, before they ever reached Gandalf. Fortunately, they made it fine, and Saphira was quite glad to be back where other dragons were, although she wished that they would go a bit closer to Alagaёsia.
Eventually, Han Solo, Jack Sparrow, and Saphira found Gandalf, who was in the middle of yet another Quidditch match with Oz.
“Oi, oi, Gandalf,” said Jack, “but I would really appreciate it if you sent me on this quest so I could return back to the real world. My other selves are going to start showing up pretty soon, and it’s kind of weird.”
“Wait for the game to finish!” said Gandalf. “Patience is important!”
So Jack Sparrow stumbled around, creating his usual mischief, while muttering things about “thump-thumps of doom” and “a curious lack of rum” that no one really seemed to be able to comprehend. Especially Saphira, so she, figuring her job was done, flew back to Alagaёsia.
Finally, the Quidditch game ended, and Gandalf was able to speak with Jack.
“If the Pearl doesn’t come, then you’re not allowed to use that flying saucer-light speed-Millennium Falcon spaceship thing, mate.”
“Okay, fine, I promise travel by dragon only.”
“Excellent,” Jack said. “By the way, nice hat. Not as flashy as Will’s or the talking cat’s, but still cool.”
So, Jack and Indiana climbed on Saphira (who was complaining about how awkward they were, not that anyone heard her at all) and flew off to India. Puss elected to stay behind because Inigo was falling behind on sword practicing.
“Here it is,” Indiana said. “The Temple of Doom. The only place on this planet where you can cut out your heart and still be living. Then, normally you’re sacrificed. No idea how Jones avoided that.”
“We water pirates are an interesting lot,” Jack said. “Especially ones like Jonesie who have giant pet kraken beasties and are in love with Greek goddesses.”
The Temple of Doom was completely abandoned nowadays, all except for a wardrobe. The wardrobe had been left there a few years ago by a young woman named Susan who had traveled here with her husband and had wanted to get rid of it. This had seemed like a good spot.
“Excellent,” Jack said. “Wardrobes are the perfect place for traveling to other portals.”
“How do you know this stuff?” Indiana asked.
“I don’t know. I just seem to. Savvy?”
So, Jack opened up the doors, and he, Indiana, and Saphira walked through. Jack wasn’t quite sure how the physics worked of getting a gigantic dragon through a wardrobe, but he tended to try not to bother himself with stuff like that after all the odd stuff he’d been through.
Jack was right (although the wardrobe was horribly smashed to pieces and the doors were broken off), and they were able to walk through the wardrobe straight into Narnia.
“Well, that’s no help!” protested Indiana, who was quickly switching to his Han Solo clothes and hiding the whip. It was a rather clumsy thing compared to a blaster, but for some reason, people in the other world were more scared of blasters than whips.
“Never say nothing’s no help, mate, because sometimes things that are of no help are indeed of great help, and things that seem to be of great help are indeed no help. So indeed, this something that seems to be nothing…in terms of help, may turn out to indeed be, great help. Savvy?”
“No.”
“Good. Now, climb on the dragon, and we’ll fly off to find Gandalf. Middle Earth’s just on the other side of Telmar, after all.”
What Jack forgot to think about was that first they had to get through Mordor, then Gondor, then Rohan, before they ever reached Gandalf. Fortunately, they made it fine, and Saphira was quite glad to be back where other dragons were, although she wished that they would go a bit closer to Alagaёsia.
Eventually, Han Solo, Jack Sparrow, and Saphira found Gandalf, who was in the middle of yet another Quidditch match with Oz.
“Oi, oi, Gandalf,” said Jack, “but I would really appreciate it if you sent me on this quest so I could return back to the real world. My other selves are going to start showing up pretty soon, and it’s kind of weird.”
“Wait for the game to finish!” said Gandalf. “Patience is important!”
So Jack Sparrow stumbled around, creating his usual mischief, while muttering things about “thump-thumps of doom” and “a curious lack of rum” that no one really seemed to be able to comprehend. Especially Saphira, so she, figuring her job was done, flew back to Alagaёsia.
Finally, the Quidditch game ended, and Gandalf was able to speak with Jack.
“So, mate, tell me what it is you need me for. I was quite
enjoying my assignment to the Brute Squad in Florin after the whole pear incident
in Genovia. By the way, Miracle Max and Valerie send their regards.”
“Well, I needed to recall you from Brute Squad because I needed you more over here. And, I’ve removed Jones’s curse from you, so you don’t need to worry about the other selves anymore.”
“What?” Jack asked. “I was beginning to quite enjoy them!”
“Excuse me, Gandalf, but I must return back home,” said Oz. “The Ents are threatening to throw apples at people again.”
“Okay, goodbye then,” Gandalf said as Oz walked off. “Now, as for you Jack, you don’t have to worry about being alone. I have decided that you’re so crazy that we needed someone to travel with you.”
“No, no, not Barbossa or the whelp,” Jack protested. “I refuse to travel with them anymore. The pear incident was mostly Barbossa’s fault. Oddly shaped apples—the man was crazy.”
“No, Jack. I thought of several options. I thought about creating a Fellowship of the Vampire and Werewolf Slaying, but I couldn’t find nine people crazy enough to agree to travelling with you.”
“What?” Jack asked. “Who wouldn’t want to travel with me?”
“I also thought about creating the Knights of the Vampire and Werewolf Slaying, but Merlin threatened to sue me if I copied Arthur’s plan. So, I decided to just settle for sending you and one other being out.”
“Who is this other being? A Hobbit?”
“No.”
“An Ent? I love trees!”
“No.”
“Ooh, ooh, did I get a dwarf? Can I bring Marty with me?”
“NO!”
“An elf?”
“No, but you’re very close.”
“Oh, fine, I guess a half-elf will do. Who is it?”
“Jack, you’re not getting an elf. You are traveling with Spock.”
“Who’s that?”
“He’s one of the guys who hangs around in space. He’s half-human, half-Vulcan, which means he has pointy ears like an elf. He’s extremely logical. None of your tripping around, muttering about rum business.”
“So, where do I find this Spocky?”
"I am here," said Spock.
“Well, I needed to recall you from Brute Squad because I needed you more over here. And, I’ve removed Jones’s curse from you, so you don’t need to worry about the other selves anymore.”
“What?” Jack asked. “I was beginning to quite enjoy them!”
“Excuse me, Gandalf, but I must return back home,” said Oz. “The Ents are threatening to throw apples at people again.”
“Okay, goodbye then,” Gandalf said as Oz walked off. “Now, as for you Jack, you don’t have to worry about being alone. I have decided that you’re so crazy that we needed someone to travel with you.”
“No, no, not Barbossa or the whelp,” Jack protested. “I refuse to travel with them anymore. The pear incident was mostly Barbossa’s fault. Oddly shaped apples—the man was crazy.”
“No, Jack. I thought of several options. I thought about creating a Fellowship of the Vampire and Werewolf Slaying, but I couldn’t find nine people crazy enough to agree to travelling with you.”
“What?” Jack asked. “Who wouldn’t want to travel with me?”
“I also thought about creating the Knights of the Vampire and Werewolf Slaying, but Merlin threatened to sue me if I copied Arthur’s plan. So, I decided to just settle for sending you and one other being out.”
“Who is this other being? A Hobbit?”
“No.”
“An Ent? I love trees!”
“No.”
“Ooh, ooh, did I get a dwarf? Can I bring Marty with me?”
“NO!”
“An elf?”
“No, but you’re very close.”
“Oh, fine, I guess a half-elf will do. Who is it?”
“Jack, you’re not getting an elf. You are traveling with Spock.”
“Who’s that?”
“He’s one of the guys who hangs around in space. He’s half-human, half-Vulcan, which means he has pointy ears like an elf. He’s extremely logical. None of your tripping around, muttering about rum business.”
“So, where do I find this Spocky?”
"I am here," said Spock.
“How do people just show up like that?” Jack asked.
“I have been here. You just did not notice me.”
“Wait, why are you using him?” Han Solo asked. “I’ve got the fastest ship in the galaxy.”
“You can only travel at light speed. I can travel at Warp 5.”
“So, does this mean I just go to Tatooine and tell Chewy we’ve been kicked out of the mission?”
“No,” said Gandalf. “The Cullens and Blacks are currently on Tatooine. No one’s sure quite why they’re there, but I’m sure you’ll find out. Oh, and take this Bludger ball from Quidditch.”
“What good will it do?”
“It kills people.”
“Oh, good.”
So, Spock took Jack Sparrow aboard the Enterprise, made sure he didn’t go anywhere or touch anything, and started flying towards Tatooine at Warp 5—which didn’t take too long, fortunately, or else Jack would have probably done some completely disastrous chain-reaction accident that would have had intergalactic implications.
“Funny how Tatooine looks remarkably like Davy Jones’ locker,” said Jack as he climbed off the Enterprise, which was neatly parked next to the Millennium Falcon. “Good thing my other selves are gone, although I may go insane from the lack of water. Now, where are those Cullen brothers.”
“R2-D2, you do not have vampire radar,” said a strange gold droid to a small blue and white droid as they walked in front of Jack. The fact that these would have been inanimate objects in Jack’s world did not bother him. All he saw was “shiny.”
“Oi, shiny talking thing!” Jack called, running after C-3PO and R2-D2. He wanted to make sure these things weren’t more illusions like from back in Davy Jones’ Locker. This planet was suspiciously like it.
“3PO, R2, watch out!” called a guy wielding a green shiny stick.
“Oi, mate, don’t do that. I just wanted to make sure they were real. I have the oddest illusions in these hot desert environments.”
“Where’d you come from?” Luke asked.
“I came with Spocky—the fellow with the pointy ears—to get rid of the Cullen brothers. Where’d you come from?”
“Well, I’ve lived here. I’m with Han. And my sister Leia, who’s engaged to Han, and then Yoda’s ghost’s been following us around.”
“I don’t do well with ghosties, mate,” Jack said. “Savvy?”
“Not do well with ghosts, do you?” asked Yoda’s ghost, showing up just then. “Listen to me, you will.”
Jack screamed.
“Quiet, you will be!” said ghost Yoda, trying to whack Jack with his walking stick. “The Force is in you. Not strong. And you’re too old, but train you, I will. Here, this pink lightsaber, take it.”
“Why is it pink?” Jack asked, pushing the button and turning it on. He yelped when the pink blade came out.
“No self-respecting Jedi would take a pink lightsaber. So, upon you, I bestow it.”
“I have a feeling you just insulted me, mate.”
“Quiet! Train you, I now will.”
“I have a bad feeling about this,” said Luke, shaking his head.
“I have been here. You just did not notice me.”
“Wait, why are you using him?” Han Solo asked. “I’ve got the fastest ship in the galaxy.”
“You can only travel at light speed. I can travel at Warp 5.”
“So, does this mean I just go to Tatooine and tell Chewy we’ve been kicked out of the mission?”
“No,” said Gandalf. “The Cullens and Blacks are currently on Tatooine. No one’s sure quite why they’re there, but I’m sure you’ll find out. Oh, and take this Bludger ball from Quidditch.”
“What good will it do?”
“It kills people.”
“Oh, good.”
So, Spock took Jack Sparrow aboard the Enterprise, made sure he didn’t go anywhere or touch anything, and started flying towards Tatooine at Warp 5—which didn’t take too long, fortunately, or else Jack would have probably done some completely disastrous chain-reaction accident that would have had intergalactic implications.
“Funny how Tatooine looks remarkably like Davy Jones’ locker,” said Jack as he climbed off the Enterprise, which was neatly parked next to the Millennium Falcon. “Good thing my other selves are gone, although I may go insane from the lack of water. Now, where are those Cullen brothers.”
“R2-D2, you do not have vampire radar,” said a strange gold droid to a small blue and white droid as they walked in front of Jack. The fact that these would have been inanimate objects in Jack’s world did not bother him. All he saw was “shiny.”
“Oi, shiny talking thing!” Jack called, running after C-3PO and R2-D2. He wanted to make sure these things weren’t more illusions like from back in Davy Jones’ Locker. This planet was suspiciously like it.
“3PO, R2, watch out!” called a guy wielding a green shiny stick.
“Oi, mate, don’t do that. I just wanted to make sure they were real. I have the oddest illusions in these hot desert environments.”
“Where’d you come from?” Luke asked.
“I came with Spocky—the fellow with the pointy ears—to get rid of the Cullen brothers. Where’d you come from?”
“Well, I’ve lived here. I’m with Han. And my sister Leia, who’s engaged to Han, and then Yoda’s ghost’s been following us around.”
“I don’t do well with ghosties, mate,” Jack said. “Savvy?”
“Not do well with ghosts, do you?” asked Yoda’s ghost, showing up just then. “Listen to me, you will.”
Jack screamed.
“Quiet, you will be!” said ghost Yoda, trying to whack Jack with his walking stick. “The Force is in you. Not strong. And you’re too old, but train you, I will. Here, this pink lightsaber, take it.”
“Why is it pink?” Jack asked, pushing the button and turning it on. He yelped when the pink blade came out.
“No self-respecting Jedi would take a pink lightsaber. So, upon you, I bestow it.”
“I have a feeling you just insulted me, mate.”
“Quiet! Train you, I now will.”
“I have a bad feeling about this,” said Luke, shaking his head.
Luke had a good reason to have a bad feeling. Jack cut a
hole in the Millennium Falcon, nearly beheaded C-3PO, and burnt the fur of a
nearby bantha.
“Mate, this thing just doesn’t seem to work for me,” said Jack.
“And that is why you fail,” said ghost Yoda.
“I never fail. I merely do not as well as people tend to expect of me merely because some expect more out of me than I can produce. And, yet, people are always surprised when I actually come up with stuff that actually works.”
“Well, set you loose on the Cullen brothers, I suppose I shall now do,” said ghost Yoda.
“Excellent,” said Jack. “Where do I find them?”
Yoda gave Jack the directions and sent him off. Spock stayed behind because Jack was far too illogical for him.
So, Jack, all alone strode across Tatooine until he saw the vampires and the werewolves hanging out in the middle of the desert.
“Hello, mates,” said Jack, deciding to make friends with them in order to make the killing be much quicker. “What made you all decide to come up here? It’s far too hot for anyone.”
“It was Edward’s idea,” said Jasper. “He wanted to sparkle more. Since this is a binary sun system, there’s twice the sun, so twice the sparkle.”
“Makes sense,” said Jack. “Is he the one over there with the young lady and the baby?”
“Yes.”
“Okay. Well, if you don’t mind, I’m going to go off and slay him.” Only Jack Sparrow would say such a thing outright to a vampire who was capable of turning Jack into a vampire. As always, Jack, however, had a plan—to be bitten by a vampire so that he wouldn’t die and he could be the immortal Captain Jack Sparrow, like he’d always wanted to be, but without the whole skeleton curse or ferrying souls to the next world part.
Unfortunately, Jack had forgotten that these vampires are vegetarian, who weren’t going to bite him and turn him vampire, therefore immortal.
“By the way,” said Jack, to his new vampire friend, “why were you chased out of the other world anyway? Scuttlebutt about the crew is that you didn’t leave for Tatooine by choice.”
“Dracula kicked us out for being a shame to the vampire world.”
“Terribly sorry, mate. By the way, what did you say the name is of the young lady that Edward is with?”
“Well, she was Bella Swann until she married Edward.”
As soon as Jack heard Bella’s maiden name, he knew there was no way he could kill her husband with a Bludger Quidditch ball thingy. But, he decided to try anyway. After this was done, he would try to get someone to turn him into a vampire. Or maybe a werewolf, although he wasn’t quite sure if those lived forever. He also wasn’t sure if being a wolf was better or worse than possibly being turned into a fish face who had to avoid jars of dirt. Oh well.
So, Jack tried to kill Edward with the Bludger ball. However, his plan didn’t work—apparently the ball had malfunctioned— so he pulled out his newly acquired pink lightsaber and tried, but he accidently cut himself open on a sharp corner and started bleeding. Jasper smelled this and tried to attack him, but Bella saw what was going on, so she rescued Jack, because she remembered one of her distant cousins named Elizabeth telling her about him once.
Well, after you life is saved by someone related to Elizabeth Swann, you probably don’t feel like killing any of the Cullen brothers anymore, so Jack bowed out gracefully, left the vampires alone and began to hang out with the werewolves instead for awhile until ghost Yoda showed up and began beating Jack with his stick over not killing the Cullen brothers. So, Yoda decided to try it himself.
It was as Yoda prepared to do a massive Force lightning battle against the vampires and werewolves that discovered something—vampires and werewolves are strong in the Force. So, he gave them all lightsabers and instructions to the Jedi Council where they could be trained. Unfortunately, ghost Yoda didn’t stop to think about how uncontrollable vampires and werewolves are, so they were exiled to Kamino.
Jack returned to Gandalf, who was so frustrated with Jack’s ineptness (and couldn’t think of what to do with him further than Shrek’s suggestion of eating his spleen with bacon) that he referred him to Aslan (after asking Aslan why donkeys had ever been allowed to talk). Aslan sent Jack back through the wardrobe, so Jack arrived back in the other world, and no time had passed at all (which is why Gandalf had to have Aslan send him back, because the only way to not have time pass when you go from the fantasy world to the real world is to go through Narnia).
And so, Jack found the Black Pearl after exploring the “thump-thump” place for awhile (His crew had nicely sailed to near there for him.) and sailed off back to the Caribbean, very glad that very odd and strange experience was over.
And, as for the Cullens, they lived a gloomy, nonsparkling life in the gloom and rain of Kamino, trying to avoid drowning and wishing they had been sent to the volcano planet of Mustafar instead.
“Mate, this thing just doesn’t seem to work for me,” said Jack.
“And that is why you fail,” said ghost Yoda.
“I never fail. I merely do not as well as people tend to expect of me merely because some expect more out of me than I can produce. And, yet, people are always surprised when I actually come up with stuff that actually works.”
“Well, set you loose on the Cullen brothers, I suppose I shall now do,” said ghost Yoda.
“Excellent,” said Jack. “Where do I find them?”
Yoda gave Jack the directions and sent him off. Spock stayed behind because Jack was far too illogical for him.
So, Jack, all alone strode across Tatooine until he saw the vampires and the werewolves hanging out in the middle of the desert.
“Hello, mates,” said Jack, deciding to make friends with them in order to make the killing be much quicker. “What made you all decide to come up here? It’s far too hot for anyone.”
“It was Edward’s idea,” said Jasper. “He wanted to sparkle more. Since this is a binary sun system, there’s twice the sun, so twice the sparkle.”
“Makes sense,” said Jack. “Is he the one over there with the young lady and the baby?”
“Yes.”
“Okay. Well, if you don’t mind, I’m going to go off and slay him.” Only Jack Sparrow would say such a thing outright to a vampire who was capable of turning Jack into a vampire. As always, Jack, however, had a plan—to be bitten by a vampire so that he wouldn’t die and he could be the immortal Captain Jack Sparrow, like he’d always wanted to be, but without the whole skeleton curse or ferrying souls to the next world part.
Unfortunately, Jack had forgotten that these vampires are vegetarian, who weren’t going to bite him and turn him vampire, therefore immortal.
“By the way,” said Jack, to his new vampire friend, “why were you chased out of the other world anyway? Scuttlebutt about the crew is that you didn’t leave for Tatooine by choice.”
“Dracula kicked us out for being a shame to the vampire world.”
“Terribly sorry, mate. By the way, what did you say the name is of the young lady that Edward is with?”
“Well, she was Bella Swann until she married Edward.”
As soon as Jack heard Bella’s maiden name, he knew there was no way he could kill her husband with a Bludger Quidditch ball thingy. But, he decided to try anyway. After this was done, he would try to get someone to turn him into a vampire. Or maybe a werewolf, although he wasn’t quite sure if those lived forever. He also wasn’t sure if being a wolf was better or worse than possibly being turned into a fish face who had to avoid jars of dirt. Oh well.
So, Jack tried to kill Edward with the Bludger ball. However, his plan didn’t work—apparently the ball had malfunctioned— so he pulled out his newly acquired pink lightsaber and tried, but he accidently cut himself open on a sharp corner and started bleeding. Jasper smelled this and tried to attack him, but Bella saw what was going on, so she rescued Jack, because she remembered one of her distant cousins named Elizabeth telling her about him once.
Well, after you life is saved by someone related to Elizabeth Swann, you probably don’t feel like killing any of the Cullen brothers anymore, so Jack bowed out gracefully, left the vampires alone and began to hang out with the werewolves instead for awhile until ghost Yoda showed up and began beating Jack with his stick over not killing the Cullen brothers. So, Yoda decided to try it himself.
It was as Yoda prepared to do a massive Force lightning battle against the vampires and werewolves that discovered something—vampires and werewolves are strong in the Force. So, he gave them all lightsabers and instructions to the Jedi Council where they could be trained. Unfortunately, ghost Yoda didn’t stop to think about how uncontrollable vampires and werewolves are, so they were exiled to Kamino.
Jack returned to Gandalf, who was so frustrated with Jack’s ineptness (and couldn’t think of what to do with him further than Shrek’s suggestion of eating his spleen with bacon) that he referred him to Aslan (after asking Aslan why donkeys had ever been allowed to talk). Aslan sent Jack back through the wardrobe, so Jack arrived back in the other world, and no time had passed at all (which is why Gandalf had to have Aslan send him back, because the only way to not have time pass when you go from the fantasy world to the real world is to go through Narnia).
And so, Jack found the Black Pearl after exploring the “thump-thump” place for awhile (His crew had nicely sailed to near there for him.) and sailed off back to the Caribbean, very glad that very odd and strange experience was over.
And, as for the Cullens, they lived a gloomy, nonsparkling life in the gloom and rain of Kamino, trying to avoid drowning and wishing they had been sent to the volcano planet of Mustafar instead.
*
“This is ridiculous,” mumbled Alice as she walked around the
miserable slippery platform on Kamino.
“First this pirate that reminds me of the Mad Hatter shoves me down a
man hole because there’s no rabbit hole around after telling me that I need to
kill a vampire. Then I have to deal with
those nonsense Andalasia people—which had absolutely nothing to do with
Alagaёsia—how confusing. Then, the
wizard and the short big eared guy with the shiny sword send me here to Kamino
to try to drown vampires and werewolves.
Utter nonsense!”
Alice finally found the Cullens and Jacob Black bemoaning
their existence and how there was no Jedi Council for them to join and how Yoda
must have been going senile to even send them to Coruscant.
Alice was just getting ready to quietly start shoving them
into the waters of Kamino and thereby drown them when she made the mistake of
looking at Jacob Black. Just like every
other teenage girl, she was immediately smitten. But she fortunately overcame her sudden
desire to squeal girlishly and one by one shoved the vampires and werewolves
into the water so she could go home where everything was sensible again…and
there the Cullens were left to eventually drown whenever they got tired of
swimming.
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